Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Unimpressed

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

[summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Breakfast in bed.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

aura