Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Where is your GOD now????

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake