[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys