Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed