[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Are we there yet?…
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
How to wake up a Beagle
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*