Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
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“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Cinematography is my passion
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”