Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
What my back needs
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Good morning
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You learn something every day
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas