Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent