Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK