Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

You Might Also Like


WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!


Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.


If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.


My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.


My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.


THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.


pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*