WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*