@lazerdoov

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

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@SherBoBer

WebMD has a mobile app now. An app!!! A quick, easy and convenient way to diagnose yourself with cancer anywhere!

@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@GrumpyBahr

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

@mommajessiec

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@Dana_Bruno

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

@blade_funner

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

@I_am_carbs

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*