Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
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Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
How I’d get arrested…
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10