Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

What kind of a cult is this?

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?