GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
next question.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number