GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

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*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”


ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs


ME: so the ends justify the mean


*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok


I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.


Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.


Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.


America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.


Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best