@FrazzleMyGimp

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

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@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@Manda_like_wine

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

@coalslag

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

@ObscureGent

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

@timdonakowski

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@jazmasta

I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

@AdviceFromDino

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills