GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
knights of the ikea table
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
good work, detective
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now