@FrazzleMyGimp

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

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@artsofdrawing

*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”

@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean

@iwearaonesie

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

@MaDom

I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

@AimeeHelene1

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@weezeebee

Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.

@slaughthie

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best