GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
You Might Also Like
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My first son he is wonderful
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.