My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.