Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
the greatest twitter interaction
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
When your man makes a valid point
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house