Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.