Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’m sorry…what?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them