Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
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The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
🤣🤣💀
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next