Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

This dude got his own movie?

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.