Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
You Might Also Like
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Does beer think about me too?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.