GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My inexpensive home security system…
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.