GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Van Gone
