GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?