I felt that…
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”