@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

You Might Also Like

@xysist

* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

@C00LpenNAME

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

@bourgeoisalien

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

@evidentlyblonde

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

@yaboydil

Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”