When can I start eating bats again.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…
Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends