Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?