Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?

Him:

Me:

Him: How much money do you have?

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.