girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!