Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.