girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
yes… yes…
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters