Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?