Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.