Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Cop lights are so pretty at night

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”