Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

True freaking story!

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.