Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.