Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her

Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”

Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

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