Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Perfection.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?