Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.