Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I wanna be friends with this person
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”