Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*![]()
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?