Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

10/10 no notes

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.