Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

Brands during Pride

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive