girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes