girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much