girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
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Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?