Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Ugh but profoundly

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

shakira sharkira

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together