Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Him: I’d like to hear you scream.

Me: *screams like a banshee*

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.