Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Bless you

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.