Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

I like long walks away from everyone

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it