Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
use this coupon for the pizza
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
Im in something called pizza jail