[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

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Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true


picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet


A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.


I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face


If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.


use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
Im in something called pizza jail