[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
every college guy’s fridge
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Just grow your own
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.