@DurtMcHurtt

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

@aparnapkin

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

@iGreenGod

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@ramblinma

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

@dukelongboard

I crack my knuckles, turn to the cops and say “I got this” as I stroll toward the bank robbers and get shot in the face

@TheWoodenslurpy

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

@murrman5

use this coupon for the pizza
its expired
whats the worst that could happen
[calls wife 10min later]
hello
Im in something called pizza jail