girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!