Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
🤣🤣💀
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance