Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
“That’s what” – She
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
can’t bark with your mouth full
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”