Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

🤣🤣

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE