Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.