Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
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* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo