Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…