Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.