Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.