@Halbeerz

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

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@hellohappy_time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

@VodkaThursday

Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker

@Samiam556

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

@lmegordon

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@kellysdf

Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@MaryJustice86

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.