Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit


Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker


They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…


The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?


People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.


Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.


Christmas cards are how old people say, “Hey, you thought I was dead, but I’m not!”


Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.


Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.