Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

I’m an avid indoorsman.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.