Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

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me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a


If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.


SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.


The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.


Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.


Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.


her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it


*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*