@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

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@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@GrantTanaka

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

@causticbob

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

@kiiimdaaa

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

@ohpeetie

[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

@GinAndJif

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.