[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
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After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
This was a bad idea all around
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
You had me at “define legal”.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.