You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart
My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.