@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

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@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.

@JamColley

two year old comes up to me asking if I’ve seen a dummy, unaware that she’s just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@melliemeow

I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.

@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

@aotakeo

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day