me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.
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If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
her: I named my baby Susan
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*
“LIES, LUCY.. LIES!”