Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.