Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

DAMMIT!

-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.