Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!