Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

set yourself free xox

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.