Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
bro what is going on at twitter
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.