Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.