Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re dead?

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?