girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley