girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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How it started How it’s going
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
This sounds bad:
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’