[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them