Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.