Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

sign of the times 🖊

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry