Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.