Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

Well, shit

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Start the year as you intend to continue.

#Caturday

Me when I’m ovulating

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

every raccoon you see is currently on parole