We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.