Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
thank god
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT