Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

[Court]

ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?

BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah

ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Haha good job!!

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.